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IN THREE VOLUMES
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IN THREE VOLUMES, First performed at the Royal Strand Theatre under the. management of Mrs Swanborough on Monday, February 27th 1871. TWITTLES an unknown Genius Mr H CROUCH, LIEUTENANT COCKLESHOT Mr WALTER JOYCE. TUGBOOTS a Tax Collector Mr E C HAMBERLAINE, SLOPS a Painter Mr KINGHORNE. VIOLET Miss JENNY LEE, MARY Miss H LENNOX, MR TWITTLES FIRST FLOOR.
TIME IN PERFORMANCE FORTY MINUTES, IN THREE VOLUMES. SCENE A well furnished Apartment Windows practicable. R U E and L U E through which are seen ladders standing. against house doors C to lock and R writing table R c. covered with rolls of paper chairs, SLOPS heard singing without as curtain rises. Ha my dear boys pray how d ye do, I hopes I sees you well. Perhaps ye don t know who I is, But I m the Heastern swell. My chambers is in Shoreditch, And I fancies I m a toff.
From top to toe I really think, I looks Immensikoff. Immensikoff c, During this song a postman s knock is heard and MARY. enters C with letter and papers which she lays on table. MARY Another dose of master s literary compositions come. back won t he be delighted Serve him right too what. does he want to go soiling his fingers with pen and ink for. when he has 500 a year of his own to do what he likes with. Besides among my set it isn t considered respectable. SLOPS without Immensikoff Immensikoff c, MARY Bother that painter goes to window R and looks up. I say painter man, SLOPS outside Yes my dear, MARY I m not your dear sir You mustn t keep up that. incessant howling or you ll drive master frantic, SLOPS descends ladder R and looks in Howling What.
do you mean You won t have my cornet playing, MARY That row you make with your mouth like buzzing. through a comb I should think not, SLOPS But hang it there s only me on the job and I can t. paint down the outsides of a terrace by myself without some. thing to vary the monotony, MARY What part are you doing now. SLOPS The sashes of the bed room, 4 IN THREE VOLUMES. MARY Where master sleeps You ll get his shirt out I. can tell you, SLOPS NO I shan t I just saw him getting it out himself.
of the drawers, MARY You re a stupid I wish you d take away some of. the nasty ladders standing all round the house, S LOPS All right I ll see after them but I likes to do a. little bit here and a little bit there just as it takes my fancy. Exit MARY C, sings Immensikoff Immensikoff, Enter TWITTLES R. aside Hullo the guv nor descends ladder, TWITTLES looks round and goes to table Another pile of. my immortal works Declined with thanks Really it s. enough to make one disgusted with human nature takes up. roll of paper and looks through end Reflections on the. Instability of Uncertainty which I sent to the Penny. Toasting Fork I expected that would come back theres. too much thought in it, SLOPS without Immensikoff Immensikoff c.
TWIT listening There he goes again He has been chant. ing that divine inspiration about four hours this morning. during which time he s painted the lid of a water butt and. about six inches of drain pipe takes up letter What s this. Oh a letter from Swidge with my manuscript reads Dear. Twittles 1 have looked over your novel and am much. delighted with it The scene between young Splotcher and. his grandmother over the apple pudding for a domestic. scene is perfection itself but the work suffers from want of. interest If you want to startle people now a days your first. volume should end with an abduction your second with a. murder and your last with a suicide Can t you work these. in but don t give us lay figures make your characters flesh. and blood Yours Toppleton Swidge That s his opinion. opens packet Wants incident does it then I must give em. incident I ll revise it at once takes pen Abduction. Murder Suicide Real flesh and blood bites pen, SLOPS outside Immensikoff Immensikoff c. TWIT in a rage Who the deuce can think two consecutive. words with that noise dinging in one s ears goes to window. R looks down Here I say you light hearted son of toil. takes up roll of paper and shies it Hi Missed him Here. goes again shies papers Hi, SLOPS outside from below Hullo. TWIT HOW long do you intend continuing that specimen of. Exeter Hall vocalization, IN THREE VOLUMES 5, S LOPS outside Only till dinner time But I say don t. you do that again you ve given me a bump, TWIT Then egad he ought to be very much obliged to me. for I declare a phrenologist wouldn t give twopence ha penny. for his whole head No matter, SLOPS outside But it do matter though my head s quite.
nubbly enough, TWIT shuts window and returns to table Abduction let. me think I ll turn to my Police News takes up large. illustrated sheet No I won t I ll evolve it from my own. inner consciousness My heroine s name is Myrtle the. hero Reginald de Nobbleyville writes Chapter fourteen. Give ten reasons of analytical conjecture for a thing and ten. against and you can cover the paper in no time writes. Myrtle had no sooner thinks and bites pen Myrtle had. no sooner thinks Myrtle had no sooner decided on her. course of action that s it Hurray I ve got it than. loud rat tat tat heard flings down pen Who the deuce is. this Hang it this is how my brains are frittered away and. my mornings end in nothings Some infernal visitor, COCKLESHOT outside Nonsense don t tell me I saw him. just now at the window, MARY outside Some mistake sir master s name is. COCKLE outside Yes yes if you don t let me pass I shall. MARY outside Well I m sure sir screams, TWIT rising Confound it this is too much It beats. Immensikoff the door is burst open suddenly, Enter COCKLESHOT C.
COCKLE There he is I knew I wasn t mistaken My dear. Skinner how do you do shakes TWITTLES S hand violently. TWIT releasing himself What do you mean sir a total. COCKLE YOU don t mean to say you ve forgotten me, TWIT Eh No I haven t forgotten you because I never. COCKLE YOU think so then prove it, T WIT Look here. COCKLE NO no look here pointing to himself, TWIT It s no use wasting time in useless argument. COCKLE That ll do that ll do I m Shut your eyes and. T WIT I shan t do anything of the sort I ve heard of. individuals telling you to shut your eyes and guess while they. walk off with the furniture It s a dodge to put you off your. 6 IN THREE VOLUMES, COCKLE Come come Skinner no joking you must guess. I won t go till you do, TWIT Will you go then, COCKLE Yes.
TWIT aside I d better humour him it ll save time Is it. a common name, COCKLE Affected ignorance Say shuttlecock backwards. TWIT This is too much shuttlecock backwards it can t be. done Shutt lecotts cottleshucks cockleshots, COCKLE You ve hit it. TWIT Which of em which of the shots, COCKLE Cockleshot I knew you d remember it shakes. TWIT aside Perhaps I do know him after all I wonder. whether my name really is Skinner, COCKLE DO you know how I found you out. TWIT NO I wish to goodness you had found me out, COCKLE Here don t stand sit down and I ll tell you all.
about it takes easy chair and puts his legs up on another one L. of table Let s see do you smoke sees cigar box on table. All right these ll do You d better have one lights cigar. I was going to tell you how I found you out, TWIT seated R And I had just remarked that I wish you. had found me out, COCKLE But I know you don t mean it Just this I was. passing by on the opposite side of the street heard an alter. cation with a painter looked up when I recognized your. face To cross over and knock at the door was the work of an. instant to vociferate Skinner to the charming Mary was a. second to ascend the staircase in spite of her remonstrance. a third and here I am, TWIT Or rather here you ve been for the last quarter of an. COCKLE The fact is Skinner after several years of foreign. service in which I ve been knocked about like a, TWIT Shuttlecock backwards. COCKLE I returned to England only three months ago so. that the sight of a face I know is a perfect treat But you. Skinner of all friends in the world at this particular moment. do I most prize aside How can I broach this difficult subject. house most convenient aloud for I have a secret to confide. in the recesses of your bosom my boyhood s companion with. TWIT very solemnly Cockleshot if ever I was a friend of. your youth I don t wish to know a morsel of your private. COCKLE My dear fellow those are the very things which I. IN THREE VOLUMES 7, must confide in you aside How to begin aloud What are.
you doing there scribbling takes up manuscript, TWIT That sir is the manuscript of an original novel. which I am now revising and I m just filling in a few sensa. tional bits aside By the bye if this Cockleshot has led an. active life his experience might be of use I say Cockleshot. have you ever abducted anybody, COCKLE looks round Hush aside How could he have. hit on that the very thing I was about to propose aloud. No but I don t care how soon I begin if you ll only give me. your assistance Listen, TWIT I m all ears, COCKLE Hush whispers I can see em rapidly Your. house is pleasantly situated for spying the neighbours all. round Skinner Now do you know anything of an old codger. in the next row named Tugboots, TWIT Tugboots Yes he s a poor rate collector and an. individual whom I abominate for the quantity of taxes he. delivers and the juries he makes me serve upon, COCKLE Bravo that s first rate Then you wouldn t at all.
object to playing a little joke at his expense, T WIT Certainly not within the bounds of a proper. Christian feeling I should enjoy anything that would make. him desperately savage, COCKLE aside Just what I want aloud Well then old. Tugboots has a very charming daughter whom I met at a party. two months ago and with whom I m deeply in love Violet. T WIT Violet Tugboots What a name for a heroine, making note in MS. COCKLE Exactly what she s fitted for a three volume novel. In return she s sincerely attached to me, TWIT A clear proof of lunacy. COCKLE But she is so aggravatingly romantic that she will. not allow me to introduce myself to her father Of course. I ve proposed and of course I want to be married but as she. is under age if I run away with her it would be a case of. TWIT Abduction The very thing making a note, COCKLE Then I may rely on your aid rising.
TWIT courageously You may How do you feel now, COCKLE Better thanks. TWIT What do you propose, COCKLE This 1 have a special license in my pocket have. made an appointment at a church close by and only wait my. opportunity for securing Violet Now in case she should be. watched and a pursuit organized it struck me as you have a. back entrance here that instead of proceeding straight to the. 8 IN THREE VOLUMES, church my Violet could enter your street door which could. then be barricaded or screwed up so as to detain any one while. she would escape quietly at the back, TWIT Oh that s it But if Tugboots demands admittance. COCKLE You can say Never unless you would pass, over my dead body I expect this at least Skinner from a.
man of your nobility of disposition, TWIT Come come Nonsense he can pass over the door. mat and welcome but I object to the dead body, COCKLE Is it a bargain. TWIT Well yes, C OCKLE Then in ten minutes I shall return My dear. Skinner good bye for the present shakes hands In ten. minutes Runs out c, TWIT looking after him Ten minutes Cockleshot I don t. know that man from Adam and this is how he proposes to let. me in for it Old Tugboots won t like it that s certain It ll. serve him right but I wonder what they can do to you for it. If it s abduction I don t want to be brought in as an accessory. before the fact No no still it s flesh and blood the very. thing wanted for my novel takes up newspaper starts and. reads Abduction The learned judge in summing up re. gretted that in the present state of the law he could not give. the prisoner more than two years The old brute quite enough. too Yet stay what s Cockleshot to me or I to Cockleshot. Shall I get rid of the responsibility by putting old Tugboots. up to the move at once Get him in here and enjoy the parental. agony Egad I will That Cockleshot said he d be here in. ten minutes there s just time writes Tugboots if you. would stay the rashness of youth and the compunctions of. after remorse in the breast of the innocent gulp down your. toast and coffee and rush to No 1 Pawkins Crescent as. soon as you receive this How to send it, SLOPS outside Immensikoff Immensikoff c.
T WIT goes to window R Ha I ll let go the painter, calls Hi There he is talking to somebody instead of doing. his work Hi shies roll of paper, SLOPS outside I say you ve knocked that into my eye. T WIT You story I hit you on the nose Come here I, want you directly. SLOPS appearing But I say I can t leave this pail of. whitewash and my paint, TWIT Bring em up here I ll take care of em. SLOPS hands in a pail of whitewash paint pot and coil of. rope Now then guvnor what is it, TWIT Do you know Chimney pot Villas Then leave this.
IN THREE VOLUMES 9, note at number two and sneak away without anybody seeing. you Do you appreciate beer, SLOPS fumbling with cap which he drops in the room No. sir I drinks it, TWIT Then you shall have a gallon of fourpenny. in three volumes in one act by taylor bilkins esq thomas hailes lacy theatrical publisher london proof read by richard pearson

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